Going home...

Im not sure where I live right now, but it gets more and more alien the longer I stay here.  For a long time I thought it was just me and my own feelings but after speaking to some non-Utahrians (or Utahn's - whatever!) it seems Im not alone.  I feel like Im drowning here, I really do and I wish there was a lifeboat that would magically appear and take us away - anywhere!! 

I finally realise that its not because Im homesick or the lingering winter-blues, its the fact that I just do not feel at home in Utah - and I do not like it here!  The people are not friendly & very judgemental (bar a select few) and I wont start on the religion for fear of being disowned by my family.  Not that I care as God is my ONLY judge and dont get me wrong, I love & respect my family very much - I just don't care too much for their choice of religion and the thing is, I never had a problem with the religion UNTIL I moved to Utah. I wont even waste my breathe arguing about it, this is all I will say - everyone is entitled to their beliefs - I'm entitled to mine so please dont feel the need to shove yours down my throat.  Just because I live in Utah doesn't mean I'm up to be coverted but thanks for making me feel unwelcome when I decline the offer! Cheers Utah!

I will accept part of the homesickness though because I do miss my family, I hate that I havent been able to meet my new niece and nephews and I hate hate hate that no matter how hard we try, it seems we wont be able to afford to go home to visit.  I dont understand how America is potrayed as one of the most Powerful & Richest countries in the world, when in true reality I feel poorer here than I did when we were growing up poor in NZ.  Ive been poor most of my life, I felt rich at one time when I was, as they say, making bank lol but it was also during that time that I was also most greedy! In saying that I'd rather be poor, loved & happy than be rich, greedy and alone - and the unfortunate thing is, here in Utah - I am poor,  I am loved but I am by far not happy.   Our decision to leave Utah has been the happiest decision we've ever made - and I cannot wait.  If we had the means, we'd be gone tomorrow!

Ive often wandered what God had planned for us moving here, and I see now that this was a test of faith and a test of love.  Faith in Him that no matter where we go, he is OUR Driver and Love in Him because when we felt none he gave it ALL.  Ben and I have been tested in both our faith & love, I left God's side for a while - too caught up in my depression, Ben stayed strong in his faith and pushed me along to be stronger and come back to church,  God tested our love for each other and whether we would stay together and continue to make decisions as a couple despite what others said or suggested - and I truly feel that we've come a long way and that even though this journey in Utah is coming to an end, we know that there's an even longer road ahead with much more challenges - I am glad to be traveling this road with Ben. I always say this but its soo true, I am very thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful husband.  Now I need to get right with God.  Ha I feel like the prodigal daughter going home... and boy does it feel good to be going Home.