Reality bites... and the Shepherd saves!

The truth of the matter is; I HATE UTAH - I hate everything about this place, the mountains, the snow, the people, the snow, the cult they call religion, the two-faced pitbulls, the whole friggin state and I wish I HAD NEVER EVER moved here! I feel guilty that my husband had to move here, and I know he did this just for me - Oh Lord, can you see how much I despise this place?!?!  No matter how much I try to hang in there and wait the time out till we leave this God-forsaken rathole, I just dont have the strength and will-power to be patient any longer.  I feel spiritually beaten, broken down and just this week I mentioned that I'd lost my faith - in true reality, Im in the same place now that I was before I came to know Jesus ... and it hurts so much!  How could I let this beat me down this way, where is the strength I had once, where is my faith! I feel like Im being punished! God help me!
Lord you hear our prayers, please show us what it is that you want us to do here.  We want to leave soo bad but we just dont have the funds to leave just yet, its like the more we try to get out the bigger the hole gets.  I refuse to get deeper into my depression, I wont let that happen - esp when my husband is fighting so hard to keep me afloat! Why should he have to fight this? Why did I drag him into this mess.... Im sooo pissed off! I just want to scream - I dont care anymore, I just dont give a flying ..... uggghhh!!! Im suffocating here and I dont know what the hell to do! I wish I could get on the wagon and drink, but the state enforces restrictions on the level of alcohol that I cant even get drunk even if I tried! - But what good would getting drunk do? Not a damn thing, Im stuck in this effing craphole of a shithole and I cant do a damn thing about it! Lord, please! Get us out of here, please!  .....................................................................................................................................
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...WOW, WOW, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OH LORD GOD you are an Awesome God, a Just God, a Caring God and above all, a LOVING God! Oh Lord, when times are tough, you carry us above your shoulder, leading us onto the path we need to lead. Thank you Lord God sooo much. 
I know if you're reading this, you're probably completely confused by now hehehe please dont be confused, Ive left the beginning of my blog exactly as it is, its how I felt when I started writing this blog, I didnt edit it because I wanted you to see the real frustration and anguish I felt and the reason why the following happened to me, I promised to be honest with my blog and so the following wouldn't make much sense if you didnt know the pain that happened before it. Heres what happened;

Right when I got to the boiling point of my blog, calling out to God to help me, the frustration blurred me and the hatred in my heart started to grow even more stronger, at that very instance words began flashing in my head.  I know how it felt when God first spoke to me (at a Womens Retreat in NZ) and so I knew that its when you're broken down and weary that you hear His voice more clearly... so because I felt completely beat down and calling out for help, I asked 'Why I am here Lord, why do I feel like this?' and the words "Pray for Utah" flashed up, angrily I shook those words out and replied 'NO! why should I? I hate Utah!!' and then the words "Love Utah" flashed, confused and upset I again refused it and I screamed 'No! I hate it here, why?' again and again the words "Pray for Utah" and "Love Utah" flashed until I couldnt shake the words away any longer, the more I shook the words from my thoughts and answered with 'No! I hate it here Lord!! NO!', the more the words flashed, and more & more the anger in me resided and a warmth started to creep into my soul , it got warmer and warmer until finally I felt the loving arms of God surround me completely (just like I did when I first heard his voice all those years back), and then I heard in a loving tone, the words "Stop using your strength to Hate Utah, use it to Love Utah's people!" and with those words, a realization hit me (like an AHA moment) and I started laughing! ... Im telling you now that Im glad Ben is asleep because I know he'd probably have had me admitted after seeing me crying on the floor in anguish one moment and the next on my knees laughing. I just couldnt stop laughing, the realization that all this time I was feeling beat down because of a State when in actual fact, it was using all my strength to hate it that was draining me out, it, it felt like a huge weight off my back - a relief! Hahahaha Ive said it before, sometimes you just need God to come down and slap you a few times and put you on the right path... for me, He does it often! Hehehe you know, Im not perfect, Im a lamb of God who wanders off where she shouldnt go, but regardless of how many times I wander off, Lord Jesus - my Saviour and Shepherd always leaves the herd and comes to find me, because he cares about what happens to me.  He wouldnt lead me down a path he knows is dangerous for me, and Im glad we serve such a Loving & Caring God. 
Well, now I know that I have a reason for being in Utah.  Although the wanderer in me wants to flee and get away right now.  I know that God will lead us (both) out when the right time come, but for now I can try to stop hating it soo much and do as Im told; To Pray for & Love the people of Utah.  
Lord, God please forgive me for using soo much of my strength on such a hateful thing, help me to Love the people of Utah with the same reverence I used to dislike them.  Thank you for answering my prayer and thank you for being with me and shepherding us along the right path.  Thank you Lord God, Thank you!
Lastly, I'd like to apologise to those who come across this blog and wander about this crazy writer LOL... well, my blogs title is Seeking My Salvation - so lets just say, Im still seeking it :o)  God Bless xox

Gas Hikes again

Pretty soon, they're gonna tax us for breathing...  Hurry Up August, get here already! Praying that the gas hikes dont get soo ridiculous that its gonna be cheaper to Fly out of here, we really need to Drive and I sure hope the gas goes down a lil bit by then... if not all the way back down! Eh well, Dreams are Free right lol

Im soo ready to leave and God knows how hard it is for me to be patient right now, especially with how things are looking financially.  BUT... Im faithful that God will provide, show us the way and drive us out of here.  Soo excited.  On another note, Surgery Round Two is coming up for us, Ben has his surgery confirmed in 2wks time, we were hoping to get out of Utah for a few days just to relax and regroup before his surgery but now that his surgery has been set for the day before we were suppose to get out of town, it doesnt look like its gonna happen with hubby in recovery mode.  Still Im very thankful we are finally getting his Polyps removed (he's been living with it for almost 4yrs) and the allergy shots have helped and will continue to help him greatly come Spring.  My poor husband is allergic to Grass, Dust & Cats. Sometimes I think having the polyps has been more of a benefit than a nuisance the last 4yrs lol.  All in God's time.  Be Blessed this March!