My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "LORD, I am coming." New Living Translation, Psalms 27: 8
Just wanted to share this, these past two weeks have been filled with some testing times. Hubby & I had to make an impromptu weekend drive to AZ (7hrs now instead of the normal 8hrs - thanks to the completion of the Hoover Dam Bridge... and incredibably not as daunting as I thought it might be) to visit Grandma who was in Hospital with a long list of medical terms I couldnt repeat even if I tried. She's a fighter though and hanging in there. We left Sat afternoon and came back Monday morning. To say we were'nt knackered would be lying... we were schwoooshed!! Is that a new word?? lol eh well! Regardless, we'll continue to keep grandma in prayers and we have to prepare for the eventual event of having to let her go back to God... it wont be easy but I personally would rather that than see her in any more pain. WE LOVE YOU GRANDMA!
Thanksgiving was Yesterday and we spent it with family & friends, it was a freezing -2 degrees on Thanksgiving Eve and I seriously didnt even want to leave home but we have plenty to be Thankful for and that we had to share that with loved ones, we are thankful for those who opened their homes up to us to share Thanksgiving with. The cold however, Im struggling to understand what I could possibly be thankful for... so We both absolutely agree (without any doubt) that this will be our last Winter in Utah - FOREVER!! lol I love that, so we're making plans for our next move as soon as we can find work and finances underway. I CAN'T WAIT! lol
I still have a long way to go in seeking my Happiness again but my family & friends (those that matter and care genuinely, and not just faking the funk) have been sharing encouraging words with me and egging me on back. The old Me will soon return and she wont be an easy one to get along with but she'll be ME and thats all I want. Lol
It will be sad to leave the friends Ive made here in Utah, they've been a Godsend to me, today at work we shared what we were most thankful for and I truly am thankful that no matter where we have moved, Ive been blessed to have met some amazing people and also thankful for those who have given me headaches lol, they keep me on my toes and keep me going back to where I BELONG! A humbling experience but one I need to have more now than ever. Lord, Im coming... slowly but surely, Im coming back HOME!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Feeling lighter!
No, no I havent lost anymore weight, however, people have commented recently that I do look "slightly" slimmer hahaha SLIGHTLY??? gee thanks! Lol
The lightness Im feeling is the lightness from the suffocation that is the depressing cloud Ive been under the last 6-7 months. It truly did feel like I was suffocating, I now kinda understand how a caged tiger might feel being cooped up in a small cell for what may be an eternity, and today - the shackles that bound me were released, if not broken.
Heres what happened, on Sunday morning (about 2amish) I finally had enough, it was just too much for me to take and I decided I either had to end my life right this minute (I know its pretty drastic but its how I felt at the time) OR do what I always knew I had to do, said I would do but never did... and that's to seek God again!
So, I left a note for my husband on the dining table asking him to wake me up at 8am because I wanted to go to church before work. Ben thought that this meant he had to wake me up 15mins beforehand, I guess in case I changed my mind in the last 15mins lol. But we got ready, he packed my lunch for work and we left to a new church I had come across a few nights before online when I pushed the wrong button on their website and the Pastors sermon started to play, I listened to him preach to be weary of becoming a Pseudo Christian, I felt convicted, I felt ashamed and I quickly turned it off but for some strange reason I Favorited the website - go figure lol.
Sunday morning I guess I had made a conscious decision that this Pastor managed to convict me in just a few sentences and that I needed to be convicted a little more, and can I say that being convicted sure did feel amazing today at church, even before Ben & I could sit down we were greeted, hugged, welcomed, hugged & welcomed again by... 4 people at the front door, 3 more at the chapel door, another 3 more people while I was getting coffee in the lobby, and when we were about to sit down 5 more people came up and introduced themselves and well, just LOVED us, I dont know about you but Only GOD could convict with soo much love and boy did I feel it, it only took the first verse of the first Worship Service song to have the Holy Spirit within me come bursting out and convict me further with an embrace soo warm that I cried all the way to the last Worship Song.
Worship was heaven sent, today was also communion and a rememberance of Jesus' sacrifice for us, yet another conviction and every prayer and every word of Pastors sermon seemed like it was written just for me, my husband stood beside me holding my hand and praising as he does and it wasnt until we were heading home to drop him off before I went to work that he told me that today was an answered prayer, he had long been praying that I would go HOME to God for the peace Ive not been getting the last few months. I am soo blessed to have a husband who would pray for my wellbeing, and to continue praying for me until God spoke to my heart that early Sunday morning. I hear you Lord, I thank you Lord for my husband and for this church and I love you soo much!
Draw me close to you Lord, Never let me go.
Note to mention: My cousin Mikey & his beautiful wife, Nita just had their baby daughter, Leila on Nov 4th - she's perfectly beautiful and smells soo lovely!! Congratulations to them and big brother, Laki.
328 more days!
The lightness Im feeling is the lightness from the suffocation that is the depressing cloud Ive been under the last 6-7 months. It truly did feel like I was suffocating, I now kinda understand how a caged tiger might feel being cooped up in a small cell for what may be an eternity, and today - the shackles that bound me were released, if not broken.
Heres what happened, on Sunday morning (about 2amish) I finally had enough, it was just too much for me to take and I decided I either had to end my life right this minute (I know its pretty drastic but its how I felt at the time) OR do what I always knew I had to do, said I would do but never did... and that's to seek God again!
So, I left a note for my husband on the dining table asking him to wake me up at 8am because I wanted to go to church before work. Ben thought that this meant he had to wake me up 15mins beforehand, I guess in case I changed my mind in the last 15mins lol. But we got ready, he packed my lunch for work and we left to a new church I had come across a few nights before online when I pushed the wrong button on their website and the Pastors sermon started to play, I listened to him preach to be weary of becoming a Pseudo Christian, I felt convicted, I felt ashamed and I quickly turned it off but for some strange reason I Favorited the website - go figure lol.
Sunday morning I guess I had made a conscious decision that this Pastor managed to convict me in just a few sentences and that I needed to be convicted a little more, and can I say that being convicted sure did feel amazing today at church, even before Ben & I could sit down we were greeted, hugged, welcomed, hugged & welcomed again by... 4 people at the front door, 3 more at the chapel door, another 3 more people while I was getting coffee in the lobby, and when we were about to sit down 5 more people came up and introduced themselves and well, just LOVED us, I dont know about you but Only GOD could convict with soo much love and boy did I feel it, it only took the first verse of the first Worship Service song to have the Holy Spirit within me come bursting out and convict me further with an embrace soo warm that I cried all the way to the last Worship Song.
Worship was heaven sent, today was also communion and a rememberance of Jesus' sacrifice for us, yet another conviction and every prayer and every word of Pastors sermon seemed like it was written just for me, my husband stood beside me holding my hand and praising as he does and it wasnt until we were heading home to drop him off before I went to work that he told me that today was an answered prayer, he had long been praying that I would go HOME to God for the peace Ive not been getting the last few months. I am soo blessed to have a husband who would pray for my wellbeing, and to continue praying for me until God spoke to my heart that early Sunday morning. I hear you Lord, I thank you Lord for my husband and for this church and I love you soo much!
Draw me close to you Lord, Never let me go.
Note to mention: My cousin Mikey & his beautiful wife, Nita just had their baby daughter, Leila on Nov 4th - she's perfectly beautiful and smells soo lovely!! Congratulations to them and big brother, Laki.
328 more days!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Snow & Justin Bieber
I hate it, granted it does have visual beauty but I still hate it! We just got our first Snow of the year and I for one am not in the least bit excited... 1) because its not even the end of the October and 2) can it not snow without the wind chill!!!! I think I'd be ok with it if it would just made an appearance on Christmas Day but frankly, its an unwanted guest at my front door. Lol
Regardless of that, I am happy to say that this will be our very last White Christmas! YAY!! So at least I can just make do with it this year, hang in there till the end of winter and then wave Gooooodbye Forever to Snow! I dont care if its not Sunny I intend to spend the rest of my Christmas' planted at the beach! - California, Florida, Hawaii it does'nt matter where the beach is... I will be at A beach (any beach) next Xmas so help me and Yes, I will be happy to be the only one sitting at the beach even if its raining on Xmas Day, that how much I miss Xmas at the Beach... I know it wont be NZ but still at least its Xmas at the Beach ! Lol
In other news, ironically, after fully not understanding the whole fad that is Justine Bieber, I finally listened to Justin Bieber's Baby on Youtube and discovered that I actually quite like... no not like - Love that song and I thoroughly beat the mess out of it on repeat cleaning the apartment yesterday lol I was still singing it when I got called into work last night. I finally understand the big deal - the song just makes you feel REALLY GOOD!! You've gotta check it out!
Other than that, Im full, I just finished dinner with my beloved - Chicken Broccoli Casserole mmmm. God continues to bless us. Thank you Lord!
NOTE TO SELF: you really need to stop typing in txt mode - it makes for faster editing.
Regardless of that, I am happy to say that this will be our very last White Christmas! YAY!! So at least I can just make do with it this year, hang in there till the end of winter and then wave Gooooodbye Forever to Snow! I dont care if its not Sunny I intend to spend the rest of my Christmas' planted at the beach! - California, Florida, Hawaii it does'nt matter where the beach is... I will be at A beach (any beach) next Xmas so help me and Yes, I will be happy to be the only one sitting at the beach even if its raining on Xmas Day, that how much I miss Xmas at the Beach... I know it wont be NZ but still at least its Xmas at the Beach ! Lol
In other news, ironically, after fully not understanding the whole fad that is Justine Bieber, I finally listened to Justin Bieber's Baby on Youtube and discovered that I actually quite like... no not like - Love that song and I thoroughly beat the mess out of it on repeat cleaning the apartment yesterday lol I was still singing it when I got called into work last night. I finally understand the big deal - the song just makes you feel REALLY GOOD!! You've gotta check it out!
Other than that, Im full, I just finished dinner with my beloved - Chicken Broccoli Casserole mmmm. God continues to bless us. Thank you Lord!
NOTE TO SELF: you really need to stop typing in txt mode - it makes for faster editing.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
October 2010 Update.
OCTOBER! OCTOBER! OCTOBER!
October is my favourite month, yes Im being biased because I was born this Month, in fact 2 days into the whole month I graced this world with my presence and everyone was better for it.... bahaha in a perfect world maybe. But October is also special because I share the Birthday Month with many other special & dear to me people... two very special birthdays of note are both Ben & I's eldest uncles turned 60yrs three days within each other. HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY TO UNCLE TU'A & UNCLE AUTAI.
A milestone in both our families as they are both consecutively the eldest surviving Uncles in each of our families. And to have them both celebrate 60yrs within 3days of each other on my favourite month of the year just means they're that much more special to me as well. May God bless you both with 60 more wonderful years of life, we love you both very very much.
Wishing all the OCTOBER babies of our family & friends... a whopping 21 of us... A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
My cousin Juliana celebrated her 21st birthday in NZ this past week and took some beautiful photos of Home which increased my Homesickness by oh at least a thousand lol but I wanted to share this photo of a certain little niece of mine atop a laundry basket during an All Blacks Rugby game. A true Kiwi at heart and unfortunate bigger Rugby fan than her own mother. Lol
October is my favourite month, yes Im being biased because I was born this Month, in fact 2 days into the whole month I graced this world with my presence and everyone was better for it.... bahaha in a perfect world maybe. But October is also special because I share the Birthday Month with many other special & dear to me people... two very special birthdays of note are both Ben & I's eldest uncles turned 60yrs three days within each other. HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY TO UNCLE TU'A & UNCLE AUTAI.
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| Uncle Tu'a & kids |
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| Stylin Uncle Autai |
A milestone in both our families as they are both consecutively the eldest surviving Uncles in each of our families. And to have them both celebrate 60yrs within 3days of each other on my favourite month of the year just means they're that much more special to me as well. May God bless you both with 60 more wonderful years of life, we love you both very very much.
Wishing all the OCTOBER babies of our family & friends... a whopping 21 of us... A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
My cousin Juliana celebrated her 21st birthday in NZ this past week and took some beautiful photos of Home which increased my Homesickness by oh at least a thousand lol but I wanted to share this photo of a certain little niece of mine atop a laundry basket during an All Blacks Rugby game. A true Kiwi at heart and unfortunate bigger Rugby fan than her own mother. Lol Of course my gorgeous lil Chinaman nephew TinTin also in there gettin his share of Rugby air time lol. We love you both so much!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Dreeeeaaam, Dream, Dream, Dream
I told my husband today that he woke me up this morning... long after he left for work. He had, in fact, woken me up twice this morning, the first time when he was getting ready for work and conveniently left the bathroom light conveniently (yet again) shining right into my face lol, the second and the most beautiful time in my dream when he said "Huni, come on lets go!?" in his boyishly gorgeous flirty voice that he uses on me when he wants to get something I already told him we couldnt afford. Lol
The dream, in its entirety, I cant seem to recall but the only part that stands out, and as Im writing this I can still envision, is the way his face lit up while he was co-ercing me to leave for a destination Im not to sure of either. But I sure did jump out of bed like he we were really heading out to somewhere nice only to be disappointed that it was a dream and my husband was yet to return from work. Boo :(
So when he got home this evening, I gave him an extra long kiss welcome home and told him how much I appreciate how he makes me feel like a million bucks regardless of how crappy my day was and how much I hate this state of Utah hehehe... yes folks, Im still on the I HATE UTAH wagon. I am, however, ever more in love with my husband, confidante and best friend, my Ben. I am eternally grateful to God for blessing me the honor of meeting, loving and marrying the one man in this whole entire universe who could love me, understand me, calm me, fulfil me and still make me go weak at the knees almost 9yrs after meeting him. I love you so soo soo much Ben!
A few weeks ago, Ben & I celebrated and honored his mother's life by participating in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Fundraiser Walk in Liberty Park, during our walk, Ben shared stories of how she was an amazing mother, sister, daughter, aunty and 
wife. Over the years, Ive often heard stories from the whole family about Ben's mother and with every memory Ive only wished I had had the chance to meet her, despite that I can only pray I'll be half as amazing as she was. Her battle with Breast Cancer ended in Nov 1998 and she will always be Loved, Honored and Remembered by ALL who's hearts she touched. The fundraising walk made for an emotional day and walking alongside other families honoring their loved ones and the amazing survivors was very inspirational, at one point we passed two ladies walking along hollering and yahooing about beating Breast Cancer and the smiles and joy radiating from them was so infectious that we couldnt help but holler and yahoo along with them! I know Ben misses his Mother daily and we celebrated her especially on October 9th during the walk. Rest In Love Momma Temukisa, we love you dearly... and from me to you a special thank you for granting me the honor of loving an equally amazing child of yours. He is the wonderful Man he is today because of the wonderful Mother you were.
The dream, in its entirety, I cant seem to recall but the only part that stands out, and as Im writing this I can still envision, is the way his face lit up while he was co-ercing me to leave for a destination Im not to sure of either. But I sure did jump out of bed like he we were really heading out to somewhere nice only to be disappointed that it was a dream and my husband was yet to return from work. Boo :(
So when he got home this evening, I gave him an extra long kiss welcome home and told him how much I appreciate how he makes me feel like a million bucks regardless of how crappy my day was and how much I hate this state of Utah hehehe... yes folks, Im still on the I HATE UTAH wagon. I am, however, ever more in love with my husband, confidante and best friend, my Ben. I am eternally grateful to God for blessing me the honor of meeting, loving and marrying the one man in this whole entire universe who could love me, understand me, calm me, fulfil me and still make me go weak at the knees almost 9yrs after meeting him. I love you so soo soo much Ben!
wife. Over the years, Ive often heard stories from the whole family about Ben's mother and with every memory Ive only wished I had had the chance to meet her, despite that I can only pray I'll be half as amazing as she was. Her battle with Breast Cancer ended in Nov 1998 and she will always be Loved, Honored and Remembered by ALL who's hearts she touched. The fundraising walk made for an emotional day and walking alongside other families honoring their loved ones and the amazing survivors was very inspirational, at one point we passed two ladies walking along hollering and yahooing about beating Breast Cancer and the smiles and joy radiating from them was so infectious that we couldnt help but holler and yahoo along with them! I know Ben misses his Mother daily and we celebrated her especially on October 9th during the walk. Rest In Love Momma Temukisa, we love you dearly... and from me to you a special thank you for granting me the honor of loving an equally amazing child of yours. He is the wonderful Man he is today because of the wonderful Mother you were. 
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Birthday smileys...
Theres nothing better than getting soo much love on your birthday, today I celebrate 33yrs of God's blessings. And he continues to shower me with those blessings through friends and family wishing me happiness and love today, in soo many ways. I am truly thankful.
Its been a not-soo nice past week but today's feelings make those feelings of unworth and sickly nerves seem like ... well nothing! I love the people God has blessed me with in my life, I need to remind myself that there are others who love me unconditionally and I need to show them I know and feel their love. And God is the number one person I need to make amends to, to thank him for blessing me with 33yrs of awesome lessons and teachings, love & hurt, kindness and unkindness because all of these make me the woman I am today. I am blessed by God's ALMIGHTY hand and no one has control over me but Him. Thank you Lord God, for moulding me into the person I am today. Into my Potters Hands I stay. I love you Lord. Thank you to all who sent their love and well wishes for today. YOU ARE ALL MY BLESSINGS!!
Its been a not-soo nice past week but today's feelings make those feelings of unworth and sickly nerves seem like ... well nothing! I love the people God has blessed me with in my life, I need to remind myself that there are others who love me unconditionally and I need to show them I know and feel their love. And God is the number one person I need to make amends to, to thank him for blessing me with 33yrs of awesome lessons and teachings, love & hurt, kindness and unkindness because all of these make me the woman I am today. I am blessed by God's ALMIGHTY hand and no one has control over me but Him. Thank you Lord God, for moulding me into the person I am today. Into my Potters Hands I stay. I love you Lord. Thank you to all who sent their love and well wishes for today. YOU ARE ALL MY BLESSINGS!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Unease
Today was horrible, I woke up with a gut wrenching feeling - all was not well, I dont know if its because Ive been without a cell since Friday, I doubt it tho, I dont feel lost without it but it did feel weird. So Im still not sure where the feeling came from or what it meant, especially since Ben & I had an awesome weekend, doing absolutely nothing but just spend time together so to start the week with an awful feeling soo wasnt cool. Work was horrible too, and there some drama on Facebook that I fully wish I didnt read! Im done with Drama, Im done with Utah, I guess Im just done!
Im praying that this feeling doesnt amount to anything. God Bless x
Im praying that this feeling doesnt amount to anything. God Bless x
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sept 2010 Update
Ok, so I guess a lil bit too much time has passed since my last post, well heres an update. Things are on the move with our next move, we are still soo very xcited and have started the ball rolling on the things that need to be done before leaving... the feeling of "if I had the money, we'd be leaving tomorrow" still lingers but the looming reality stench (lol) of "we have to save to get outta here" sticks & stinks! hehehe
Operation 2012 is ON HOLD as my darling BFF & Oper2012 partner, Sharn Is with CHILD... hehehe, woohooo Im sooo happy for them, it will be Sharn & C's first child together and Im soo happy to a doting aunty again and to being ON HOLD myself from Oper2012... yes, yes I know I could easily carry on by myself, but its not the same so Im taking 9mths off toohehehe, I just wont be delivering anything but myself (hopefully) to Sharns side when she has baby. Aunty & Uncle naturally cant wait to meet our newest lil bundle and Sharn & I are already talkin about where we're gonna take baby shopping (of course in terms of baby being a girl... naturally lol), our husbands on the other hands are discussings which College & NFL Football Team baby will be playing for BAHAHAHAHAHA... Boys!!!! lol
Operation OCC - Complete College is back on hold also, unfortunately, the school I had chosen decided to do a 360 on me after I had completed my Financial Aid forms. The first day was a nightmare, My Sociology class consisted of my tutor giving his opinion on the non-existance of God (oh no he didnt!!!), the Human Evolution (Big Bang Theory) and the stupidity of Religion and that (esp the first point) obviously didnt sit well with me so I gave my opinion and it turns out the tutor only wanted to share his opinion and NOT entertain anyone else's - Go Figure! We finished an hour early, so instead of letting us go on to start studying or homework, he made us watch one of His Favorite movies - Im still not sure how that fit into Sociology hmmm. So I promptly dropped out of His class and moved on to my IT class, where my Tutor there while outlining the necessary IT requirements for the class ended each sentence with; "only if you wanna, I mean I really dont stick to it, cause its really not that important, but whatever!" ... WOW!!! this is what Im paying $10,000 a year for??? Are you serious??? .. and so there ended the goal of completing college. And what a difference in attitude from the Staff I had too, the nice smiles and sweet talkin that occured during the Application Process turned to 3rd degree questioning as to why I was dropping out, no smiles and lo & behold... no goodbyes, I said Goobye & Thank You and I received an "U-huh!" in return... You're soo kind Strayer University! Im soo glad you're not a getting a single dime from me! Goodbye again! lol
As for Utah ... yeah, still cant stand the place! lol
And Ben & I, were doing well, the last few months have been a struggle trying to get everything sorted for the move and soo many things to plan & pay for - not for the move either grrrr. I am learning to be happy again, and Im kicking the depression in the butt, its not completely gone and I know it wont while we remain in Utah but Im not letting it control me and get me down. I only use Facebook now for games and birthday shoutouts, other than that I dont pay any mind to all the dramas & materialistic bullcrap and Ive downlisted my friends list from over 700 to under 200 loooooveee it, most of them were just nosey-parkers neway, those who remain on my page are mostly family and very close friends and those who are determined to have their dramas blasted on FB, just get hidden neway. I got Ben harvesting my farm on Farmville lol I swear he's the best Husband EVER!!! He's been my strongtower through this, despite all thats happened - Ive been soo blessed with him.
We just got back from California, which was a welcome relief away from Utah and sooo great to see the families & friends again but returning was a real damper tho! Oh well, heads down, bums up and get er done lol. We'll be outta here soon... oh please soon. Till next time, toodle doo. God Bless you All xox
Operation 2012 is ON HOLD as my darling BFF & Oper2012 partner, Sharn Is with CHILD... hehehe, woohooo Im sooo happy for them, it will be Sharn & C's first child together and Im soo happy to a doting aunty again and to being ON HOLD myself from Oper2012... yes, yes I know I could easily carry on by myself, but its not the same so Im taking 9mths off toohehehe, I just wont be delivering anything but myself (hopefully) to Sharns side when she has baby. Aunty & Uncle naturally cant wait to meet our newest lil bundle and Sharn & I are already talkin about where we're gonna take baby shopping (of course in terms of baby being a girl... naturally lol), our husbands on the other hands are discussings which College & NFL Football Team baby will be playing for BAHAHAHAHAHA... Boys!!!! lol
Operation OCC - Complete College is back on hold also, unfortunately, the school I had chosen decided to do a 360 on me after I had completed my Financial Aid forms. The first day was a nightmare, My Sociology class consisted of my tutor giving his opinion on the non-existance of God (oh no he didnt!!!), the Human Evolution (Big Bang Theory) and the stupidity of Religion and that (esp the first point) obviously didnt sit well with me so I gave my opinion and it turns out the tutor only wanted to share his opinion and NOT entertain anyone else's - Go Figure! We finished an hour early, so instead of letting us go on to start studying or homework, he made us watch one of His Favorite movies - Im still not sure how that fit into Sociology hmmm. So I promptly dropped out of His class and moved on to my IT class, where my Tutor there while outlining the necessary IT requirements for the class ended each sentence with; "only if you wanna, I mean I really dont stick to it, cause its really not that important, but whatever!" ... WOW!!! this is what Im paying $10,000 a year for??? Are you serious??? .. and so there ended the goal of completing college. And what a difference in attitude from the Staff I had too, the nice smiles and sweet talkin that occured during the Application Process turned to 3rd degree questioning as to why I was dropping out, no smiles and lo & behold... no goodbyes, I said Goobye & Thank You and I received an "U-huh!" in return... You're soo kind Strayer University! Im soo glad you're not a getting a single dime from me! Goodbye again! lol
As for Utah ... yeah, still cant stand the place! lol
And Ben & I, were doing well, the last few months have been a struggle trying to get everything sorted for the move and soo many things to plan & pay for - not for the move either grrrr. I am learning to be happy again, and Im kicking the depression in the butt, its not completely gone and I know it wont while we remain in Utah but Im not letting it control me and get me down. I only use Facebook now for games and birthday shoutouts, other than that I dont pay any mind to all the dramas & materialistic bullcrap and Ive downlisted my friends list from over 700 to under 200 loooooveee it, most of them were just nosey-parkers neway, those who remain on my page are mostly family and very close friends and those who are determined to have their dramas blasted on FB, just get hidden neway. I got Ben harvesting my farm on Farmville lol I swear he's the best Husband EVER!!! He's been my strongtower through this, despite all thats happened - Ive been soo blessed with him.
We just got back from California, which was a welcome relief away from Utah and sooo great to see the families & friends again but returning was a real damper tho! Oh well, heads down, bums up and get er done lol. We'll be outta here soon... oh please soon. Till next time, toodle doo. God Bless you All xox
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Going home...
Im not sure where I live right now, but it gets more and more alien the longer I stay here. For a long time I thought it was just me and my own feelings but after speaking to some non-Utahrians (or Utahn's - whatever!) it seems Im not alone. I feel like Im drowning here, I really do and I wish there was a lifeboat that would magically appear and take us away - anywhere!!
I finally realise that its not because Im homesick or the lingering winter-blues, its the fact that I just do not feel at home in Utah - and I do not like it here! The people are not friendly & very judgemental (bar a select few) and I wont start on the religion for fear of being disowned by my family. Not that I care as God is my ONLY judge and dont get me wrong, I love & respect my family very much - I just don't care too much for their choice of religion and the thing is, I never had a problem with the religion UNTIL I moved to Utah. I wont even waste my breathe arguing about it, this is all I will say - everyone is entitled to their beliefs - I'm entitled to mine so please dont feel the need to shove yours down my throat. Just because I live in Utah doesn't mean I'm up to be coverted but thanks for making me feel unwelcome when I decline the offer! Cheers Utah!
I will accept part of the homesickness though because I do miss my family, I hate that I havent been able to meet my new niece and nephews and I hate hate hate that no matter how hard we try, it seems we wont be able to afford to go home to visit. I dont understand how America is potrayed as one of the most Powerful & Richest countries in the world, when in true reality I feel poorer here than I did when we were growing up poor in NZ. Ive been poor most of my life, I felt rich at one time when I was, as they say, making bank lol but it was also during that time that I was also most greedy! In saying that I'd rather be poor, loved & happy than be rich, greedy and alone - and the unfortunate thing is, here in Utah - I am poor, I am loved but I am by far not happy. Our decision to leave Utah has been the happiest decision we've ever made - and I cannot wait. If we had the means, we'd be gone tomorrow!
Ive often wandered what God had planned for us moving here, and I see now that this was a test of faith and a test of love. Faith in Him that no matter where we go, he is OUR Driver and Love in Him because when we felt none he gave it ALL. Ben and I have been tested in both our faith & love, I left God's side for a while - too caught up in my depression, Ben stayed strong in his faith and pushed me along to be stronger and come back to church, God tested our love for each other and whether we would stay together and continue to make decisions as a couple despite what others said or suggested - and I truly feel that we've come a long way and that even though this journey in Utah is coming to an end, we know that there's an even longer road ahead with much more challenges - I am glad to be traveling this road with Ben. I always say this but its soo true, I am very thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful husband. Now I need to get right with God. Ha I feel like the prodigal daughter going home... and boy does it feel good to be going Home.
I finally realise that its not because Im homesick or the lingering winter-blues, its the fact that I just do not feel at home in Utah - and I do not like it here! The people are not friendly & very judgemental (bar a select few) and I wont start on the religion for fear of being disowned by my family. Not that I care as God is my ONLY judge and dont get me wrong, I love & respect my family very much - I just don't care too much for their choice of religion and the thing is, I never had a problem with the religion UNTIL I moved to Utah. I wont even waste my breathe arguing about it, this is all I will say - everyone is entitled to their beliefs - I'm entitled to mine so please dont feel the need to shove yours down my throat. Just because I live in Utah doesn't mean I'm up to be coverted but thanks for making me feel unwelcome when I decline the offer! Cheers Utah!
I will accept part of the homesickness though because I do miss my family, I hate that I havent been able to meet my new niece and nephews and I hate hate hate that no matter how hard we try, it seems we wont be able to afford to go home to visit. I dont understand how America is potrayed as one of the most Powerful & Richest countries in the world, when in true reality I feel poorer here than I did when we were growing up poor in NZ. Ive been poor most of my life, I felt rich at one time when I was, as they say, making bank lol but it was also during that time that I was also most greedy! In saying that I'd rather be poor, loved & happy than be rich, greedy and alone - and the unfortunate thing is, here in Utah - I am poor, I am loved but I am by far not happy. Our decision to leave Utah has been the happiest decision we've ever made - and I cannot wait. If we had the means, we'd be gone tomorrow!
Ive often wandered what God had planned for us moving here, and I see now that this was a test of faith and a test of love. Faith in Him that no matter where we go, he is OUR Driver and Love in Him because when we felt none he gave it ALL. Ben and I have been tested in both our faith & love, I left God's side for a while - too caught up in my depression, Ben stayed strong in his faith and pushed me along to be stronger and come back to church, God tested our love for each other and whether we would stay together and continue to make decisions as a couple despite what others said or suggested - and I truly feel that we've come a long way and that even though this journey in Utah is coming to an end, we know that there's an even longer road ahead with much more challenges - I am glad to be traveling this road with Ben. I always say this but its soo true, I am very thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful husband. Now I need to get right with God. Ha I feel like the prodigal daughter going home... and boy does it feel good to be going Home.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Emotions of Toy Story 3
I was warned that I might cry watching Toy Story 3 - I laughed at the thought that an animated kids movie would have me in tears, especially since it takes a real tear-jerker to get me to cry at the movies. To knowledge only two movies had done that, Mel Gibsons Passion of the Christ and Keanu's Reeves movie Devils Advocate - both times because it really hit home the hatred towards God and Christ and what he did for us... It hurt me spiritually, so in saying that I was surprised at how at the end of this animated kids movie I was in a heap on the floor bawling my eyes out. It wasnt spiritual by any means or an attack on my God, nor was it anything to do with the movie.. it was the pure emotions that came flooding out after watching the end of the movie and having a flashback of the feelings I had when I was saying goodbye to my friends and family at the Auckland Airport before leaving NZ 4 long years ago - It hurt me deep, it made me even more homesick and I just wanted my Mom to hold me and tell me everything was gonna be ok. It was horrible and a realization that Ive lived too long in this tragic enclosure of pain.
It also had to do with a conversation I had with hubby on the way home from work one day last week when he said it hurt him to see me soo unhappy and he wanted to know what to do about it. I couldnt answer him because I didnt know what to do with it. So because I couldnt humble myself to get on my knees and ask God to help me, I called one of my motherly figures from my church in California and boy did she put on the straight and narrow! I love her and I knew if anyone could she would (without actually doing it) slap me across the face, shake the mess out of me and kick my butt onto the right track. And I thank sister Mary for doing exactly that. So now, although Im still unhappy with where we are, were looking forward to plans set into place for us to get THERE and only God knows where THERE is.
We have come to the realization that Utah is most definitely NOT the right place for us, its a beautiful place but I have not been very happy with anything this place has to offer, and as well as that - the winters are far too long! hehehe I miss home and we are planning on relocating closer. Im happy and scared all at the same time, Im happy to be moving closer to my parents but scared for my husband being soo far away from his family. He is excited though and Im soo blessed to have an amazing husband willing to do all and everything to see me happy. I will do everything in my power to do the same for him. We are looking forward to the challenges up ahead with the relocation, unbelievably everything is already in place... Ben has a job waiting for him, we have a home in place and it wont take me long to find work as I have many friends willing to take us under their wings. Life is starting to look good again. We're done living life according to others and yes... this is our choice! I love it! We have a jam packed year ahead of us getting everything done before we leave, and seeing the people we need to see before leaving and we're (I cant say it enough) sooo excited!!
We are planning a trip to California in Sept for our nephews 1st person and Ben's sisters graduation, Ive been charged with the duty of making the invites and sending them out. We're excited about getting out of Utah for a little bit and to seeing our friends and family in California. We're also hoping to make a USC game this year also - if you've been watching ESPN you'll know the drama that Mr Reggie Bush has caused but we're still diehard USC fans - we'll get back up there lol, and hubby and I are also getting inked up this year by a very talented Samoan Tattooist, we also plan to visit Tennessee and Florida next year to visit Mum and Ben's brothers. Like I said - its gonna be a very busy year, maybe with all these "TO DO" things it wont be very long and the move will come up closer - Yay.
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