Emotions of Toy Story 3

I was warned that I might cry watching Toy Story 3 - I laughed at the thought that an animated kids movie would have me in tears, especially since it takes a real tear-jerker to get me to cry at the movies.  To knowledge only two movies had done that, Mel Gibsons Passion of the Christ and Keanu's Reeves movie Devils Advocate - both times because it really hit home the hatred towards God and Christ and what he did for us... It hurt me spiritually, so in saying that I was surprised at how at the end of this animated kids movie I was in a heap on the floor bawling my eyes out.  It wasnt spiritual by any means or an attack on my God, nor was it anything to do with the movie.. it was the pure emotions that came flooding out after watching the end of the movie and having a flashback of the feelings I had when I was saying goodbye to my friends and family at the Auckland Airport before leaving NZ 4 long years ago - It hurt me deep, it made me even more homesick and I just wanted my Mom to hold me and tell me everything was gonna be ok. It was horrible and a realization that Ive lived too long in this tragic enclosure of pain. 

It also had to do with a conversation I had with hubby on the way home from work one day last week when he said it hurt him to see me soo unhappy and he wanted to know what to do about it.  I couldnt answer him because I didnt know what to do with it.  So because I couldnt humble myself to get on my knees and ask God to help me, I called one of my motherly figures from my church in California and boy did she put on the straight and narrow! I love her and I knew if anyone could she would (without actually doing it) slap me across the face, shake the mess out of me and kick my butt onto the right track.  And I thank sister Mary for doing exactly that.  So now, although Im still unhappy with where we are, were looking forward to plans set into place for us to get THERE and only God knows where THERE is.  

We have come to the realization that Utah is most definitely NOT the right place for us, its a beautiful place but I have not been very happy with anything this place has to offer, and as well as that - the winters are far too long! hehehe I miss home and we are planning on relocating closer.  Im happy and scared all at the same time, Im happy to be moving closer to my parents but scared for my husband being soo far away from his family.  He is excited though and Im soo blessed to have an amazing husband willing to do all and everything to see me happy.  I will do everything in my power to do the same for him.  We are looking forward to the challenges up ahead with the relocation, unbelievably everything is already in place... Ben has a job waiting for him, we have a home in place and it wont take me long to find work as I have many friends willing to take us under their wings.  Life is starting to look good again.  We're done living life according to others and yes... this is our choice! I love it! We have a jam packed year ahead of us getting everything done before we leave, and seeing the people we need to see before leaving and we're (I cant say it enough) sooo excited!!  

Its gonna be a long year but a worthwhile one.  Watch this space.  Btw while Ive been gone, Ben turned 41yrs - he still looks amazing and were on the road to living healthier happier lives, were setting in place the lifestyle we want to be living after our move and Im soo proud to have such an amazing (and I must say amazingly goodlooking) husband.  I love him soo much and Im soo blessed to be living my life with him - he is my strongtower and Im soo thankful God chose him for me.

We are planning  a trip to California in Sept for our nephews 1st person and Ben's sisters graduation, Ive been charged with the duty of making the invites and sending them out.  We're excited about getting out of Utah for a little bit and to seeing our friends and family in California.  We're also hoping to make a USC game this year also - if you've been watching ESPN you'll know the drama that Mr Reggie Bush has caused but we're still diehard USC fans - we'll get back up there lol, and hubby and I are also getting inked up this year by a very talented Samoan Tattooist, we also plan to visit Tennessee and Florida next year to visit Mum and Ben's brothers.  Like I said - its gonna be a very busy year, maybe with all these "TO DO" things it wont be very long and the move will come up closer - Yay. 

Crashing

Remember those days in your past where certain events in your life felt like the world was crashing down around you, where you didnt know where you were going, what you were doing, where you needed to be or who you needed to be... you know those "whats the meaning of life?" type days, well lately those type of days have become frequent (often daily) visitors.  I try and talk myself out of the shell, explain the reasons behind it - possibly homesickness, lack of sun, high elevation, lack of money... but each time I give myself an explanation it seems to open that hole a little wider and bigger adding to my evergrowing confusion and bitterness.  

Those moments back in the pasts, looking back at them now - dont seem so big with one of God's own miracles he shines a light on the correct path that I needed to follow.  Right now, Im not on that path... in fact Im far off that path and the most hurtful thing of all is that if I dont get this down, I could easily drag another person down with me - and I refuse to let that happen. I need to get myself back, my friends need their gurl back, my family needs their sister, daughter and aunty back and dearest to my heart - I know my husband needs his wife back and man do I miss her. I miss being her, I miss knowing my place in this world and most importantly, knowing my place with GOD.

For now, this Blog journey ends here... we need to take some time out and walk through that valley, share some conversations with God, and seek only His guidance. Till we meet again at the end of that valley.  God Bless and Soifua x

April 19th, 2010

Dear God,

  Thank you for giving me rest today Father God, thank you for easing my mind - especially with the countless things racing through it, I know you will handle it all better than I could ever imagine and you will deal with it accordingly and in Your Time.  Thank you for guiding Ben to work and back home safely and above all Lord, thank you blessing us with another day to live and see your glorious beauty - all of which I saw today in the gorgeous day you made.  I know Ive been complaining a lot about the weather - and I know that theres another storm brewing for us - on many levels, but I know you will see us through those storms, and come out victorious because of YOU.  It was a beautiful day today Lord, and Im especially thankful that you kept the bees and wasps at bay - you know how much they scare me hehehe

   Forgive me my trespasses today Lord, Im not perfect and I dont claim to be but there are some who think I do... Im sorry they feel that way, I dont have authority over them and I especially don't have authority over you - WHO AM I?? Lord, I seek your council on the matters of the heart Lord, you know our hearts desires and you know what's driving me crazy at the moment too - in all things I leave them in your clear and steady hands because mine are too unstable to hold such ordeals.  I love you Lord, Im soo thankful that you have me in your grasp and that whatever may come my way - I know you have a Plan and an Order to this - You are in Control and the Driver in my lifes journey.  You know Im trying to let go and I ask for your help in that.  I give my ALL to you and I'll try not to take control of it again, I'll try.

Thank you for All you have blessed me with and Thank you for Living in me.  Your presence in our home, our marriage and our families is felt all around.  I love you Lord, thank you again for today.  I love you always, Your daughter.

Letters to God

Today, Ben and I went to watch Letters to God... I didnt particularly feel like it only because I was in a pretty sour mood - earlier today I had been told some information regarding the distribution of a umm... rumor regarding myself and my husband, WOW!! we're special enough to have a rumor about us woohoo, I say that now but at the time it had gotten me all messed up, so I wasnt in the right state of mind to see a movie pertaining to God or Letters to Him.. I just wanted to have this moment to gripe & complain, without asking God to calm me down, without having to forgive the person/s who started this rumor - I wanted to sit in a corner and sulk but  Ben dragged me along anyway... and this movie gave me the perfect idea for my blog -  ... I dont know if anyone else is doing this on Blogspot or in the World Wide Web - but I say if I need to be more prayerful - WHY NOT do it while Im blogging - Im going to write my own Letters to God! Im slowly coming to grips with this rumor thing, it still hurts - especially since its family that started said rumor - but I know I live my life according to HIS Will and not theirs so - their judgement and backstabbing will not affect how we live, and the decisions we make. WE LOVED THE MOVIE TOO BTW lol I almost forgot to tell you how we liked the movie. So here begins my Letters to God:

Dear God,
   You know my hearts desires and the things that weigh heavy on it also - if it pleases you Lord, grant me those desires and heal me of this heavy burden.  I pray for those who speak ill against us Lord, I pray that you grant me the strength to see past this and continue to love them.  Lord, Thank you soo much for my husband, thank you for blessing me with a wonderful man who's one wish is to make sure Im happy, this man who backs me up regardless of what comes our way and supports me no matter what others do or say to him.  I love him Lord and pray you bless him with all He needs, bless him with Health Lord and Thank you once more for him. 

   Collectively, we thank you for our parents, our brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews and for our entire families and network of friends - those who have come into our lives and showed us love and support and those who continue to do so today.  Thank you for sooo much in my life Lord, I am not worthy of the substantial Love you shower me with - day in and day out - regardless of how I treat you.  Forgive me Lord for my inequities and misgivings, forgive me for my wrong-doings to others and the ill things that come out of my mouth and even those that remain in my head.  I know that through Christ All Things are Possible and I know that sometimes I loose track of that - but I continue to work at it Lord, I thank you and Love you and Thank you again and again for Loving Us. 

For all that you have done for me, blessed me with and lovingly shown me - I am soo truly thankful.  I love you always, your daughter xox Ria

Looking Up

Today I read Jonathan Dow's "The Listening Well" , and what an awesome reminder this was.

All too often, we are soo busy looking down watching where were going, or looking ahead to the future of what we want to achieve or gain, or even looking behind us to see where we've been or whats chasing us, we get soo caught up in life that we let it overcome us and start to drag us down, and to top it off we look to other people, places or things to keep our mind from going crazy and furthermore we tell ourselves that we're doing this in order to Live the Dream  or Live the Life. When in actual fact what we need to do is Look Up and Seek Him, Seek God, Seek HIS Will in my Life. 

My blog is called Seeking My Salvation - and unfortunately, I havent done that.  I lost myself along the way, I got caught up looking ahead, looking down, to the sides and looking back that I forgot to Look Up.  I know from reading my last few posts that Ive been in a darkness but even though I know this wasnt as dark as the dark I once was in, it was getting closer... Ive noticed this in the relationships I keep, the things I read & watch and the things that come out of my mouth.  Lord, please forgive me... help me to find my way back to You and Seeking you and Your Kingdom. 

Lately, Ive had to make some re-arrangements in my life... there were things I recently made decisions on that were based on what others would think of me or approve of me doing, things to better the viewpoint of others about me.  I need for that to end, one of those decisions was the termination of Project OCC - Operation Complete College.  I am not in anyway saying that Education is not important, it is very important.. but the Education I need to seek right now is the Education of God in my Life.  I haven't been happy lately, and I dont want this unhappiness to continue.  And NO... this has nothing to do with my marriage, that is still an enjoyment and a blessing in my life - I am truly thankful for a wonderful & caring husband, we're not perfect but hes my blessing.  However, other drama filled relationships will cease, I refuse it in my life, and I refuse to let it drag me down.  I am ripping that last piece of paper and sending it down the Listening Well, because from now on... I LOOK UP!

 

Seed of Offence

Todays day started off great, had a great catch up and an awesome laugh with Sharn about Oper2012 - then had a korero (Maori for talk, chinwag, chit chat) with Dee but as high as those notes were it ended very sour, Ive had a seed of offence (similar to a seed of doubt - except its not doubt, rather being offended) planted... and I dont know how to figure this one out or deal with it - right now Im not doing a very good job with it. 

I know that God has planned this for a lesson learnt and im trying to see it, Lord Humble me to see Through Your Eyes, I lift this person in prayer and Thank you for bringing them into my life, I ask you to show me what it is Im to learn from them or if I'm to teach... take my mouth and voice and use it for Your Will.  I need to pray on this one for a bit, cos Ive tried to write this blog entry three times now and all three times Ive sounded very angry... the seed of offence still has roots and Im working at digging those out.  I plan to live my life without planting more weeds in My Garden.  Lord grant me the patience, serenity and kindness to do YOUR WILL.   I love you Lord Jesus xox

Blizzards & Crazy Drivers

Ok so it wasnt a blizzard.. but when you've never driven in snowinglikecrazyicantseeathinginfrontofme weather.. its SCARY! And to top it off, I was the only one driving according to the conditions... apparently most people in Utah, upon the sight of snow, decide this is the ideal time to practice speed-racing.  Driving home from school last night was not fun.  But All Glory to God, I made it safely home and in One piece. Take that you crazy drivers.

On a much uplifting tone - Yesterday marked the beginning of a couple of self-projects:
1. Operation Complete College (OCC) and
2. Operation 2012 (Oper12). 

As told in a my previous blog, Im back at Uni in order to complete what I started in NZ - this is now called OCC, and thats the explanation of that lol.

Oper12 however, was born from a Sat night discussion with my girlfriend Sharn regarding our recent weight-Gain over Xmas and ... ummm ok before that too lol, after weighing out the pros and cons lol ideal weights were decided, actionplans planned, timeframes given  and our goal reward - a 2012 Reunion - agreed upon.  Sharn & I met at college in NZ many moons ago, we were inseparable right up until we both made the move overseas with our husbands - she to Australia and I to America, we've not seen each other since 2007 (at my sisters wedding) but we talk very frequently - Comcast loves me for that.  So we're on track to start diet-diary emailing, and together (with our spouses) we're going to shed our extra selves lol. 

SO WATCH THIS SPACE...   

Btw, Im not game enough to post a Biggest Looser Before photo (save your eyes the trauma lol) but I will post along the way how were doing. Heres a flick to have a giggle at tho.  It made me laugh, I think I might use it as our motivator hehe.  

God blessed me with a temple, I have to look after and maintain it - and so, yet a new chapter(s) in this long journey begins.  God Bless you all with your goals and achievements this week, month and year. 

THANK YOU...

JESUS for being obedient and coming down when your Father asked you to come and die on the cross for my sins, when asked how much you loved us - you spread your arms out and died.  I LOVE YOU JESUS

GOD for sending your one and only, one of a kind, perfectly created Son to witness to us your love and desire to have us close to You - Im coming home.

Sometimes I sit and wander ... Who am I? that He would willingly and lovingly do ALL THIS for me. 


"Jesus, Remember me when you come in to Your Kingdom"  Luke 23:42

HAPPY EASTER & THANK YOU FATHER GOD, THANK YOU LORD JESUS

Thank you ACE - New Zealand

Wooohooo, today I had Orientation for college - I am officially (for the second time in my lifetime lol) a College Student, I never mentioned it earlier because it didnt really sink in that I was going back to college until I completed Orientation today.  I've always wanted to go back to school to complete college but only if I could find something I really enjoyed and could possibly be my passion - unlike some people, I still havent found my passion - someday (maybe during this semester) I will find this passion or at least move towards it, till then I'll just have to do my best and learn something new along the way. 

A couple of years ago I had the chance to start college again while we were living in California, unfortunately the discounted fee of $25 per class was only valid to CA residence of 2yrs or more, we had just moved to California so we didnt qualify and because of my temporary status with my Green Card I didnt think I would qualify for Financial Aid or any Student Loan - well 2vyears after that we were making the move to Utah so it worked out after all,  and since moving to Utah, completing college had dropped off my To-Do list, until one day hubby and I were talking and he said something about me going back to school - (sidenote:  the fact that my husband brought this up in the first place is one thing, but what amazes me is he brought it up after he had been laid off and been unsuccesful at finding work in almost 2mths - thank you Lord for using my husband, thank you for my husband)...  So I truly believed that this was the time for me to do this. I started thinking about what I wanted to study - and after changing my mind almost 500x - I did my research on which Uni would be best for me, I called around and emailed requests and together we went through countless brochures and booklets  and looked at the pros and cons of each school.  Finally we decided on a Uni that was more for Adult Professionals - so I can still work and study part time. So in the process of getting my application in and applying for Financial Aid, I started to bug hubby about him going back to school too and doing some study of his own... lol well after a long and heated (mostly on my side) discussion about him not being a pilot, fire-fighter or whatever other life threatening job that could possibly take him away from me for long extended periods - we decided it was better if we just started with me first hehehe Baby Steps.  

The only thing that held me back was a little thing called a "transcript" - since this was not my first time as a college student, I was asked to obtain my transcript from my last college - ACE - this is a fairly easy task, the problem was - the last time I was in college... I was reallyyy in college, I lived the boozer college student life, I drank the college spirit - I literally could not remember whole days, months or even what classes I took and I knew my transcipt would be, if anything, just a slap in the face and a reminder of days long forgotten (BUT FORGIVEN)  

Well, I got my transcript back, and it was extremely horrible and just proof of how naughty (and reckless) I was back then, but it was enough to humble me and to hit home the realization that his time I had to do this right and with commitment.  Isnt God AMAZING how he uses little things like college transcripts to remind you not to go back down that same destructive path.  And needless to say, as bad as my transcript was - it was enough to give me enough credits to start this year as a sophmore - YAY!!! THANK YOU ACE!!

Sooo... today it began, I have my books & my class schedule and tomorrow I'm stationary shopping - Im soo excited about all the possibilities that will open up and scared of those same possibilities all at the same time - something I now realise I didnt feel either of when I first started college all those years ago.

Im soo very thankful that we serve a God of Second Chances and New Beginnings.  Thank you Lord Jesus, go before me Father God and light my way - a Million thank yous.  I love you x

Workplace Humor

This month I was made Employee of the Month at my work.  It was both an honor and a shock, firstly because I didnt even know that we had an Employee of the Month award, apparently its a new thing at work and I was the first person to get it and secondly, I felt that there are soo many other deserving colleagues who could easily have gotten it.  I am truly thankful to those who chose me for this award and humbled to know that I am looked upon by my colleagues with respect of this achievement. 

A couple of funny stories follow from my getting such an achievement. I seem to be getting quite a bit of slack from my colleagues now if I mess up.  Firstly, I now have the duty of writing up workschedules and at the bottom of the March schedules I jokingly wrote ~No one allowed to be sick ~ As Murphy's Law would have it, on the very first day of March, who should call in sick?.. none other than Yours truly HAHAHAHA.  Ironcally, on that day in Feb when I posted the March Schedule on the Notice board, a colleagues had commented that the schedule should actually read everyone but myself wasnt allowed to get sick, to which I rather confidently retalliated... "Umm Whatever, I never call in sick!!! so there" and I'll be damned if it wasnt her that I was scheduled to work with that fateful 1st day of March.  Lesson learnt : Never make cheeky remarks when writing work schedules. Lol

And just yesterday, yet another colleague returned an incomplete folder to me, advising a form was missing - thats ok its easily forgotten and easily corrected, and he was on his jolly way in no time.  Not even 5mins later, the same colleague was back with yet another folder and another missing form - not able to blame anyone else since I was the only person working the front desk, I apologised again and completed the folder and form, but another 5mins later - that same colleague returned with a 3rd folder.  I looked up, slumped my shoulders and said "What now?"  to which he replied,  "Do I really need to show you how to do your job?"... followed by... "I need to tell you that since receiving Employee of the Month, your work standards has been lacking quite a bit"  hahahaha his teasing continued with laughter from my other (supportive hmmm) colleagues with threats of a recount, and demotion until the 3rd folder had been corrected.  About 30mins later, he returned and gave me the form I had completed and another form exactly the same without my rushed handwriting, and said "Here, I dont need this form, I had one already, I just wanted to see you squirm" and ran away laughing.  Lesson learnt:  Mess up once, Shame on me, Mess up twice... Shame on me again, Mess up 3x... I asked for it!! lol

I am soo thankful to be blessed with, not just a job in these economically unstable times, but a job with truly amazing down to earth and fun people, yes we all have our imperfections but when you look for the worst in people, you'll no doubt find it, thankfully I work with people that openly say "I love you" and truly care about your wellbeing and just enjoy working.  I pray everyone gets to work with people as amazing as I do, and to experience what working with a GREAT attitude is.  My mother always taught me to give everything I do - 110%, and do it with genuine character and love - that is my Work Standard.  Thank you Mum, and Thank you Lord for blessing me with ALL that I have. 

Its 0409am. I couldnt sleep, so I figured I would update my blog, and now with peace in my heart I'm heading off to bed hehe.  God Bless and Goodnite err I mean Good morning.